All your base are belong to us

A Tale of One City – I

with 12 comments

It seems to me that there is a lot of faux fur associated with the coat that is Chennai. This is especially true when that coat is worn by the fair lot residing above the Vindhyas, whose knowledge of my beloved city is in the same league as Dr. Abdul Kalam’s knowledge of Playboy magazine and Kim Kardashian’s idea of a successful marriage. Apparently, all Tamilians are dark- hey have you met our Chief Minister? Tamilians fear rotis more than Ganguly fears the short ball- not true, we have chappatis at home every alternate Wednesday. All South Indian women are smart*- indeed, gossip generally revolves around string theory and P vs NP. South Indians can’t pronounce Bhaiya properly to save their lives. Okay, maybe this one is true. Fortunately for my Northie readers, I have no intention of quelling such disturbances in the force and vindicating generations of wronged South Indians. Such heroic acts are best left to wriders of obun ludders from a neighbouring state. No, sir. Today I shall highlight one particularly Maddu** quirk that irks me to no end: the innate propensity to reach a place well insanely ahead of time.

For reasons unknown, the word Tardy seems to associate the same feeling in Chennaites as do the words Arson, Murder and Rape. And maybe a little less fear than the letters T.R (T.Rajendar or Supreme being, for the uninitiated) do. The word tardy also rhymes with Jeff Hardy. Okay, I don’t know why I said that but coming back to the point, Tamilians have this affinity for reaching any place well before the well-before-designated time. Not only is it fashionable to arrive at the railway station a good three hours ahead of the train, it is also becoming to rub it in the large noses of the latecomers- yes, i’m referring to those who arrived two hours before the train. Of course, one does not dare to argue the rationale behind this exalted practice. After all, it makes more sense to arrive well in advance and brave a queue for the next few hours (because most people got there ahead of you) than to enjoy the same few hours in an air-conditioned room and make it on time.

I believe that most Chennaites have a skewed sense of time, especially when it comes to deadlines and appointments. When a normal man says, “Let’s meet up at 5PM, dude”, he means… you guessed it right, “Let’s meet up at 5PM, dude”. However when a Chennai uncle utters these very words, rest assured he wants you to be there by 4:30 or else his boot shall connect with your rear when you arrive at 5, or god forbid later. Perhaps we take this whole race against time business too personally. I imagine, the average Chennai guy believes himself to be this dude:

Keanu Ramachandran

Meet Keanu Ramachandran in Speedu. (Pardon my poor photoshopping skills)

Lest I forget, there is also the god-awful habit of waking up before the poor Sun even gets a chance to peep in and say Hello. It’s very common to expect people in most families to rise, shine, (head)bathe, finish morning pooja, finish more pooja for brownie points, Coffee 1, peruse all Editorials in the Hindu, Coffee 2 and strongly criticize the deteriorating quality of the paper to the crows on the windowsill while the aforementioned normal guy hasn’t even got a chance to press snooze yet. This complete disregard for time may owe its existence to a variety of reasons. A Freud might blame it on the tendency of the typical Indian male to … finish everything quickly. Frank Miller might view the Chennai guy as “a dionysian figure, a force for anarchy that imposes an individual order”. Karunanidhi might attribute it to his non-existent hairline as might Rakhi Sawant to her assets. But as any automan in the city might tell you, “This is not madness. This is Madras da Kaidha (Donkey)”.

I find it strange that I miss this place more than anything now.

*Dear Feminist,
Please to note, just because I take a dig at the intellectual pursuits of the South Indian woman, it does not necessarily mean that every male down under is a Sheldon replica.
P.S: If you are a feminist, get the hell out of my blog.

**Short for Madrasi. Not as offensive though.


Written by Chronoz

November 4, 2011 at 1:11 pm

Posted in Uncategorized

Tagged with ,

12 Responses

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  1. Awfully funny, as usual! My Grandfather used to get ready to go the bank even before it opens, for getting his pension, every month. Somehow the early-bird genes missed me.
    As for your photoshopping skills, I thought you tried to censor Reeves’s bottom half for some reason before I realized it was a Dhoti.
    And, “get the hell out of my blog” ? really?

    • Haha, I completely forgot about the going early to the bank with a black leather bag concept. I’m not the biggest fan of Feminism as a concept, if you haven’t realised by now.


      November 5, 2011 at 2:20 pm

  2. Keanu Ramachandran? I almost laughed till my morning coffee flooded my nose.

    Now that I have grossed out 90% of the readers to this blog, remind me to tell you about how the old Maddu earliness got me into exceedingly hot water during my trip home. And I don’t mean the fall-down-stairs-and-break-head sort of trouble. I mean, the sort when even Bugs Bunny would go “Sorry Doc, you were better off dying of an alien disease”.

    And I deplore your Freudian inference, sir. You have no right to make any conclusions based on little to no experimental evidence.


    November 4, 2011 at 2:35 pm

    • Err… I’m glad your nostrils got their daily dose of caffeine. Come, come, I’ve always wanted to make a bunch of Freudian references in a post. And yes, shall ask you about your encounters with earliness.


      November 5, 2011 at 2:21 pm

    • Thanks for the comment! I wish I had a small studio in my apartment where I could just leave my flashes set up and everything out at all time, but it is all just tightly packed away in the tiniest cur2#apd&o8b30; I guess not the most handy thing to do! I will have a proper baking and photography day at some point, but since food photography has never been my forte…. We’ll see!


      March 16, 2017 at 2:29 am

  3. You’re talking about an older generation man. Seriously, who do you know among us who wakes up before the yellow apple hits the horizon?


    November 4, 2011 at 5:05 pm

    • You don’t hang out with the right crowd man. There are a few scary specimens in our generation man. May I say, a few from our own school?


      November 5, 2011 at 1:58 pm

  4. Nanna than irukku! But first koschin, did you watch 7aum Arivu? How come the sudden Tamizhan da effect?? 😛 And you talk about coming on time to meetings.. Dude, indha anyayatha kekka aale illaiya? 😐


    November 4, 2011 at 6:59 pm

  5. Yet another post on the great North-South divide? I thought we had enough of that already. No northie is ever going to see the humour in what you’ve written. I do, nice one mate.

    I am in awe of your photoshop skills. Clearly, Master Barua (wary of an untimely death perhaps) has been passing on some his trade secrets to his deluded minions.


    November 5, 2011 at 1:40 pm

  6. @Arun: I’m sure Chink would be staggered too. After all, it’s not everyday that the minion betters the master. And no, I don’t think we can ever have enough about the divide, can you?

    @Vignesh: They don’t call me Chronoz for nothing 😛 Not seen the movie da. Gen Crib.


    November 5, 2011 at 2:18 pm

  7. Usually, I go to sleep after the sun rises. So I guess it is okay to say that I am up before dawn … Well. Kind of. Insomnia, FTW. And this is awesomely awesome.


    November 11, 2011 at 4:59 pm

  8. I cannot believe you haven’t used the word ‘Brahmamuhurtham’ anywhere! This is plain sacrilegious!


    December 4, 2011 at 11:07 am

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